Now Only $19.95

Just before bed (last night), an insanity bug crept into my ear, entered my brain and filled my head with a wacky writing prompt--to create a series of bogus, completely ridiculous ads. The results:

Whine Away
Coworkers’ rants driving you mad? The baby’s cries wearing you thin? The wife’s nagging got you looking for a gun? Don't get physical; get Whine Away, the amazing new product that will soothe even the most belligerent bastard! Just one drop of Whine Away, injected into coffee, milk, wine or any other liquid, will quell even the most troublesome tantrums. Don't delay! Order yours for only $19.95 per two-ounce vial. The first one hundred callers will double their order at no additional cost! Order Whine Away today, and peace will be yours tomorrow.

Fat Off
Belly fat got you bummed? Tired of the spare tire? Try the amazing new Fat Off blade! The breakthrough technology behind the Fat Off allows you to simultaneously shear off and cauterize your unwanted belly bulge. In a case study of twenty-five rats, a whopping 100% showed decreased body mass after just a single use! So cross section your mid-section, and order the Fat Off blade today!

New Skin
Rosacea raining on your parade? Acne appalling potential partners? Moustache making men disappear? You need New Skin, the amazing new facial molding system. Unlike messy creams that take up to six weeks for results, New Skin putty works immediately! No more bumps, redness or unsightly facial hair. Just heat the putty to 100 degrees, then spread it onto your face. The mold conforms to the contours of your bone structure, creating a smooth, flawless finish that lasts for up to three months! Don't wait! Your New Skin is waiting for you. Order today!